Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
The news
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
President The Rock Obama
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”