ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
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*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[shakes fist at other fist]
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
This is a whole mood;
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat