My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
You Might Also Like
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”