[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense