[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
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My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
no regrets
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover