[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
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I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Looking at you, Jesus.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING