Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”