If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
You Might Also Like
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
sry
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.