Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
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[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
This makes total sense…
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday