coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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operators are standing by to ignore your call
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?