[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
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A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
The “baby” on the left….
sleeping beauty
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My boss called in sick of me
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself