The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You Might Also Like
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
“I FIXED IT!”
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Always…
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.