My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
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“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
In space, no one can hear…