If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.