Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
oh my god
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.