my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.