*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
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I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
At least my masseuse has my back.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.