The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
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Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
This is my emotional support knife.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*