Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
You Might Also Like
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I’m an avid indoorsman.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂