Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
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my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?