The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?