How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
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FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.