Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
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Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.