At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
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Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.