FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
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My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Me in tagged photos
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.