“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
You Might Also Like
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing