My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
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ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
smartest karate player in the world
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat