Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.