Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
why am I working on Labor Day
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Optional boss fight.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.