One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine