Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Good Morning.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.