[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
THE AUDACITY. 😤
my first day as a raccoon
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.