ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
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My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!