Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
tis the season
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Go hard or stay average
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night