Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
*mops up wine with cat*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like