Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
This fish is cracking me up
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
cause of death:
autopsy.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?