WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
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BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Tremendous stuff
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Need this in my life lol
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas