Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
79.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground