Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Breaking news:
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast