“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
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Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.