Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
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Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party