Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER