One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
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Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Still laughing at this stupid meme
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
The “baby” on the left….
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.