Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
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All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?