If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
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You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah