5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
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Worlds greatest photobomb
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
at ease…shoulder.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story