[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
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I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Me buying fruit and veg
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born