[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
oppen heimer style lol
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”