Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?