Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
馃幎I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair馃幎
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it鈥檚 going pretty well.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It鈥檚 the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Very good! 馃憤馃槀
wayward son: alright, i鈥檓 done, where鈥檚 the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you鈥檙e screwing with me right
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
i don鈥檛 have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don鈥檛 be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile